Barbara Haydee Llera is the epitome of a true survivor.
She has challenged life, both physically and mentally and won the battle with the highest of honors.
Barbara’s writing style is quite unique, a poetic diary of the real girl interrupted.
Join Barbara in her personal voyage through life, as she escapes her inner and outer world within the written world, trying to make sense of this senseless world, while maintaining her sanity inside natures insane ways.
Location: Puerto Rico
Q: How many hours a day do you write?
A: Not as many as I would want. Having three kids is not really conducive to many unscheduled moments. But I have learned to be a very vast writer so I grab every moment I can get.
Q: How do you deal with personal doubters?
A: I don’t. I don’t believe in quantity as much as quality so the people in my life don’t doubt me although they rarely understand my processes or my methods. But I guess that doubters are a necessary part of life, it makes us work that much harder.
Q: When you were growing up, what made you want to become a writer?
A:Writing was always there. My grandma’s favorite thing to buy in the whole world was notebooks and pens. I grew up watching her spend countless hour writing and when I got my first journal, that was it for me.
Q: Describe a perfect setting where you can get writing done.
A: I like to write at night and outside. The quiet makes me hear my thoughts better.
Q: What kind of books did you read when you were growing up, if any?
A: Anything I could get my hands on. My house was always filled with books, another of my grandma’s passions and since I’m an only child books became like friends. But I love horror classics, Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Dracula.
Q: Are you a traditional type of writer (paper and pencil) or do you use your computer to write?
A: I love pen and paper. But in all honesty since I have three kids, my blackberry works great.
Q: What’s you’re favorite part of writing?
A: I love the fact that it makes sense. The world around me, mostly, doesn’t understand anything that comes out of my mouth, but for some reason I am perfectly eloquent when I write. It makes me free.
Q: How do you get past all the frustrations that come with trying to be a successful writer?
A: Well I don’t know. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. So far my writing has been only a way to escape frustrations and chaos.
Q: What do you do when you have several book/piece ideas?
A: Now that is a problem I have constantly. For some reason my mind tends to spill out more stuff that I usually have time for, so I tend to always make sure I have something to write with. Be it my blackberry, a pen and an old receipt or a napkin.
Q: Do you have an agent representing you/your work to publishers?
A: No.
Q: Have you ever been published/self-published? (list published works and/or experiences – Optional)
A: Not yet but I am working on that right now. My writing has always been for my self for many reasons and now that my life has changed I finally got the drive to do the one thing I have always wanted to do.
Q: What genre(s) describes your work?
A: I write (what I call) biographical poetry, lyrical poems and a lot of free style poems. I also write fiction stories and I am working on a book about my life and my poetry.
Q: Do you write under a pseudonym? If so, what is the story behind it?
A: No.
Q: What/who motivates you to write?
A: Life, love, passion, anger and my children.
Q: Do you have your work showcased on any website?
A: Not yet. Till now my work has been private.
Q: Share with us a fun fact about yourself.
A: I love big fat bikes, I love to eat cereal at night, I love to put cheese on my coffee and I hate pink.
Q: What does the future hold for you as a writer?
A: I’m not sure but I hope that after all is set and done my work inspires somebody else. If I can manage to do that then I will feel fulfilled.
Below you can enjoy a few selected pieces by this writer.
.
A tale of a girl.
There’s a river
In a land afar
Where trees grow tall
And grass grows high
And flowers bloom
Beneath the sky.
And in a burrow
Far from sight
The dreams of a little girl rise.
She dreams of a prince
Who will carry her at night
Out of her tiny little world
And into the sweetest of lives.
She holds her hand out
As though she could form
His shape out air
And his eyes out of hope
She sits there and waits
For the longest of times
Floating in her existence
Like in the wind
Floats a kite.
Till the day comes around
That footsteps are heard
Inside the borrow
Not inside her head
She jumps up at once
Expecting to see
The prince having come
To set her, finally free.
But to her surprise
There’s a fairy outside
Holding a mirror
With all of her might
Her reflection she sees
And all the beauty behind
The flowers, the river,
The trees and the grass
And it took her a second
To finally grasp
That life is not about princes
Life is about who we are
Only we can make us happy
Happiness comes from inside
She left her borrow empty
And started living her life.
.
Fire.
Fire burning through my face
The flames produced by being betrayed,
abandoned, pushed away.
Fire cruising through my veins
Poisonous blood that burns the heart away.
I can find no refuge outside my rage.
Your kisses burned inside my head
Your eyes with that distant stare.
The slap of your indifference still red hot on my face.
You broke a piece inside my soul
Left me scarred in places unknown
Damaged things I can’t repair
Feels like acid burning me away.
I only hope,
One day not far
You get to know
How I feel inside
Not by maturing
Or understanding
But by being burned
On a similar way
By being burned by all this fire.
.
It’s ok.
It’s ok to cry if you’re in pain
It’s ok to scream in a hellish haze
It’s ok to walk through life by yourself
It’s ok to feel the pain,
To be bound by it’s raging grasp.
It’s ok to hate
It’s ok to despise
It’s ok to wonder in agony
Looking for the answers that pass you by.
It’s ok to rage when you feel abandoned by the light.
It’s ok to laugh at stupid things
To humble at the sight of a child.
It’s ok to love desperately
It’s ok to embrace the simpleness of a smile.
The heart that feels without permission, suffers the endless scream of reason.
It’s ok to feel
without constriction
To own the soul that twinkles
Inside the heart that rages and laughs without a reason.
.
She soldiers on.
Her lifeless eyes,
So weary and so dark
Hide all the secrets
Of an unfulfilled life.
So many stories left untold
So many songs not yet sung
She cries a tear less river
She screams a voiceless thunder
Only nobody can hear her.
She stabs herself
In countless numbers
Just to feel something
Beneath all the sorrow
She hides her scars
Beneath her clothes
And fills her days
With all her troubles.
Through all this
She soldiers on
Brave face,
That’s all they know
And though inside
She’s all but gone
Braved face
She soldiers on
And in her pain
And in her sorrow
Suddenly appears
The light of tomorrow
But light she does not know
So she hides away
Believing it a foe.
Until the day
She’s brave enough
Gets herself
up from the floor
Up from the dirt
Up from the dust
Walks to it
And finally finds her home.
.
Survivor
Slowly crawling out of darkness
Until I barely make it through
Ravaged by scars, horrors and pain
Valiantly shaking them off
In despair I found my strength
Validated by being able to breathe
Only after the chaos was over
Realized, I now am free!
.
Today I broke
Fallen beneath the surface of a life I never wanted.
Singing to myself the lullabies I can’t forget.
Crying tears of acid and vile while screaming helplessly without a sound.
Watching you leave without the power to hold you back.
Furious with all the things you leave behind.
Holding on but letting you leave
Hanging tight to each breath,
To every piece of skin.
Trying so hard to memorize every hair,
Every line in your face,
Every freckle,
Every piece of skin
As your body slowly fades.
Wanting so desperately to say,
“Wait don’t leave”
Knowing in my heart
That this is not to be.
Standing here all alone
Regretting the utterance of the word no
I simply realize that,
Today I broke.
.
Wishes for my children.
I wish you know
Nor sorrow Nor pain
I wish you a path
Straight and plain
I wish you a road
With no obstacles
In the way.
My beautiful child
So perfect and whole
I wish for you
A life full of joy
Laughter and light
May always be on your face
I wish for you
Smiles that never fade away.
But if upon your feet
Pebbles and rocks
You should see
I wish you know
That you can always lean on me.
I wish you have
Memories of light
Not clouded in dark.
I wish roses
Cushion your steps
I wish you
Dreams that you’ll get.
And in time
When you look back
I wish you
remember it with a smile.
My beautiful child
Full of promise and hope
I wish for you
All those things
I didn’t get to know.
.
Would you?
Would you listen to me
Even when my words don’t make sense?
Would you listen to me even if I make you upset?
Would you listen even through the pain?
Would you hold me tight when I push you away?
Would you hold me tight even if you ache?
Would you hold on to me through darkness and rain?
Would you lift me out of my darkest hour?
Would you lift me up even if I don’t want you?
Would you lift me up right out of the ground and take me out to ride on clouds?
Would you whisper sweet nothings in my ear?
Would you whisper passionate screams?
Would you whisper I love yous throughout the years?
And if you can,
And if you will
My vow to you is this
I will be to you all of this I seek
And if you shall seek
Different or more
I will be for ever more
Everything that you could need
Every wish that you may wish
And I will live my life
For any chance
To make your face
Fill up with smiles.
